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The lies she tells.
Untamed and Wild
mist_stalker wrote in parenting101
I'm looking for commiseration and maybe some advice. Just recently my very honest five year old has started to lie about the stupidest things.  I.E. does she have her panties on, has she finished her juice, did she pick up her toys, etc...just the stupidest most easily checkable things.  So any advice to help teach her, without constantly yelling, that telling the truth is easier and in the end gets her in less trouble then telling lies?  Commiseration is also appreciated.

Totally a phase. We just started double checking everything he was telling us with warnings that X was going to happen if he lied (we always used the same punishment for lies, which is something you'll have to determine what is appropriate yourself) and eventually he realized it wasn't worth it. We also would say, "If you're lying, X is going to happen." and give him the opportunity to change his story, reminding him that I *was* going to check if he was lying and then appropriate punishment would follow if he didn't tell the truth first. Also, with BIG stuff, if he lied then changed his story before we confirmed whatever it was, he didn't get in trouble for it, just a reminder why it was important that he told the truth in the first place . He's about to turn 6 now and its really dropped off to almost nothing again.

Thanks it's good to know that some other parents have had this happen. And I'll discuss with DH and DD what the consequence should be.

my four year old has recently started lying to me too. It makes me sad and I tell her this and I remind her that mommy and daddy don't lie to her, so she needs to respect us and be honest-- you know, in 4 year old language.

We tried this for about a month with no results :(

going through same thing with my 4 year old daughter. silliest things, like 'did you wipe your butt' when there's poop in the un-flushed toilet and no TP. lol kids, aren't they grand

Yes yes they are, and yes she's pulled that one too.

Kids and lies, they seem to go hand in hand so often! We ended up having to double check a ton of things with my stepdaughter, cause it was happening a lot, and with silly things.. like whether she had put her laundry away. (She will say yes every single time, and every single time it's still sitting there, she had to write lines for it ONCE and it hasn't happened since). Used to drive me nuts, and well, still does sometimes, but I've come to accept that a lot of it is just kid behaviour that needs to be worked out. Luckily lines are like the ultimate punishment in our house, and even the threat of it stops most behaviours. ;)

Good luck!

oh, and one of my friends told me to not allow as many times to lie, instead of asking if she had done something, I started reminding to do something, then checking and then dealing with what she had lied about, instead of adding on the "and you lied to me!!" aspect of things.

Thanks I'll be talking to the hubby and we'll figure out how we want to deal with lies so we both have the same response.

It really seemed to come and go. We'd go through a lying stage and then it would leave for a while, and come back again. I totally remember lying to my parents about things, but I always seemed to get busted ;)

Same here...I just really wish it wasn't a universal thing :(

this! The "don't give them the opportunity to lie."

Developmentally, this is a great stage. It means they understand that you don't know what they know.

With that said, I found the thing that worked best was ignoring it. If you know she didn't brush her teeth, don't ask, just tell her to do it now. If she says she did, tell her to just do it again. Don't give yourself a second discipline problem, one is quite enough! If she says she's finished her juice, don't say anything, just tell her to put her cup in the sink... and next time give her less of it if she can't drink that amount in one sitting. If you want her to pick up her toys, tell her you're about to check, don't ask if she's already done it. If she says "oh, but I picked them up!" in response to this, just reiterate that you are about to check, and if you find that she hasn't picked them up simply remind her of the task and give her more specific instructions. Proceed as though the lie hasn't even happened.

Because honestly, if you make it clear through this calm behavior that lying doesn't work, you get all the results you'd get out of being punitive without any of the negative side effects and stress.

The problem with her not drinking her juice is actually a big deal, she knows that if she doesn't drink it she will have ouchie poops the next day (she drinks 8oz twice a day mixed with Miralax) but she still won't drink it and call me soft but I HATE hearing my little girl scream in pain when she doesn't drink the whole dose the day before. Although the rest of your advice is awesome and I think I'll try it.

does the Miralax have to be mixed in juice? If not, just give her the dose and that eliminates that problem entirely.

It's better mixed with juice as she chokes on the powder, we have resorted to telling her that if she doesn't drink it we'll have to spoon feed it to her...that may be why she's lying about drinking it.

Children will lie for the same reasons adults do, to stay out of trouble.

at five, she's old enough to understand cause and effect....she lies about drinking the juice, she has to take the medicine a less pleasant way. Medicine taking should never be optional, and I'd be firm about telling her this.

Ah, I thought it was treat juice, not medicine juice. In that case, you may have to simply sit with her as she drinks it. You can chat and be friendly, but make it clear that until you can trust that she'll drink all of it without lying or fussing you have to supervise her.

I agree with this. A question like 'did you brush your teeth?' can easily be checked by me & if my 4yo tells me she has but she hasn't, I don't make a big deal about the lying aspect, but she still needs to brush her teeth.
The main problem, to me, with making a big deal about lying, is that I do lie to my kids! I tell them the ice cream's all finished, that ride-on thingy at the shops isn't working or I don't have a coin for it, we do the Santa/Easter Bunny stuff. That's really problematic if you make lying out to be a huge thing.
Along with emphasising consequences (not punishment, but simply that I will find out and you will have to do the task anyway), I talk about how lies can hurt people and we don't want to hurt people.

You sound like my best friend with her daughter! Same issue exactly! was kind of a phase

My mother always told me "if you lie, you'll get in trouble twice." This was probably when we'd been naughty and were lying to avoid trouble, but it may work for you on occasion?

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